Talks on the Balcony

He finds me sitting on the balcony couch. Staring out to the horizon with a blank look on my face, obviously more in my head than actually observant. Ive zoned out. The emotional toll of what this week is, has brought on disassociation.

“love?” he asks from the door way.

“hey” I reply softly, continuing my gaze of the horizon.

I hear his approach. After a moment, his hands land softly on my shoulders.

We stay like that for a moment. Silent and yet comfortable. I take my first deep breath that begins to lift me from the depths of thoughts, thankful for the held space. He knows me, even if he doesn’t understand where my head is at. I let my head lean back and take another deep breath. He leans down and kisses my forehead. I let a small smile begin to creep across my face.

“hmm, there she is” he whispers against my face.

A soft laugh slips out, “getting there.”

“good,” he says pausing for a moment. “Food?”

“No.”

“Got it.” He responds and as he turns to leave.

The absence of his warmth causes a small shiver to run through my body. Yet, even though I am alone once more, I feel less alone than when I came out here this morning. It’s the week that holds another day that comes with a past, memories that overwhelm and begin to grow smaller over time. This year, they are more real because I am back in the place where it all happened. So I decided to come out here to think and feel and try to let myself process and express whats needed. I bring my knees up to my chest in the chair I occupy and hear the door open once more behind me.

I turn and look at him, only to see him grinning broadly and holding a tray of snacks.

I shake my head and try to hide the smile forming.

“I know you said no..” he begins slowly, “but…I also took a guess and figured you haven’t eaten yet today”

He sets down the tray on the small table, waiting for my reply. The comment about me not eating may not have been emphasized as a question, but he expects an answer. Im sure he is hoping that I will tell him I did in fact eat and take care of myself while these thoughts made their way through my mind, but and answer him softly,

“you would be correct. I wasn’t hungry.”

He sighs, sitting on the other side of the couch to me.

He gestures to me and I adjusted my position. Leaning against him, allowing him to envelope me in his arms. Once we get comfortable on the couch, he places another kiss on top of my head.

“Please eat, my love.”

I nod and reach for the tray of food and begin to eat slowly. Im still not hungry and it’s a bit difficult to eat large amounts at this moment, but I also know that food is essential.

“Good,” he says behind me, “now, talk to me.”

“I…,” I begin, but pause for a moment. I take a deep breath, leaning further into him, and try again.

“I don’t really know what to say. Emotions have hit me harder than I expected them to when it comes to what today is.” I close my eyes, feeling the tears begin to well up behind my eyes.

“Ah, I see.”

I laugh a little.

“You see? I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling or anything and all you say is I see?”

He chuckles and tightens his hold around me.

“Well, I can understand the difficulty of trying to articulate things during this time of high emotion. I may not completely understand, but I can be the one to hold space for you, to make sure you eat, and to allow you to talk out what you need to when you are ready. Just as you have done for me when I needed it.”

“I don’t know how…or what….or…”

“Shh, you don’t need to know love,” he says softly, “just keep taking the next step that feels right. Just keep going”

I sigh heavily. “Just keep going”