A Cup of Tea

“What are you thinking, love?”

he asks, lounging on the couch, with slight concern in his eyes as they roam my face.
“Trying to read my thoughts again?” I say with a bit of a sad smile. In our home, our sanctuary, I don’t have to hide myself and neither does he. We have learned each other well enough to know when to push and when to allow the space needed to come to a place where words can be said and felt.
In response to my answer he frowns slightly.

“What do you need love? Where did you just go?” he asks softly, sitting up a bit to show that he is here and attentive.

What did I do to deserve this type of commitment, I’ll never fully understand. With everything I’ve fought through in life, to finally have this man. One willing to stand at my side, to weather all the storms of thought and emotion that comes with who I have become, it’s overwhelming at times.

I look to where my kettle is heating the water for some tea and sigh.

“I went to the past,” I whisper, “it still hurts sometimes. Like ripples in water, the stone may grow smaller over time, not as painful, but still there.”

I hear him stand and walk over to me. He wraps his arms around me, just holding me. Showing me with action that he is here and I’m not alone anymore in this life. That there is someone I can share my pain with, instead of keeping it all to myself and suffering in silence. Instead of having to be strong and push forward with responsibilities as priority, I allow myself to lean back into him and his warmth. Allow the space and support for the emotions that begin to wash over me like a wave.
I cry. Sob. Let it all come crashing through my body and I begin to shake and sag. We lower to the floor.

He holds me tighter as we adjust to the new position. He leans against the wall with me cradled tight to him on his lap.

We sit there for a long moment, until I’m drained of all emotion and the shaking subsides.

He begins to rub my arm, a light caress letting me know he is still there, still present with me. I place my hand over his and interlace our fingers.

Taking a deep still shaky breath, I relax further into him.

He shifts his other arm to embrace my head on his chest and asks,

“What do you need baby?”

I smile softly and squeeze his hand. I’m starting to go numb and empty. That tired zombie feeling you get after letting out pent up emotion.

“I don’t know. Im not used to not being alone.” I take another deep breath, “honestly, I’ve always wanted to not make decisions in these moments…but always had to because it was just me, I always had to take care of myself”

“hmmm” he hums. I can feel the vibrations through his chest. “since we are still learning each other, I'm not as in tune with what you would need right now.”

I chuckle, “and my answer wasn’t very helpful.”

He sqeezes my hand softly, “That is not what I said. I’ve learned you don’t want to make decisions. You have always wanted and needed someone to take care of you and hold space for you in these moments, and didn’t have that person.” He pauses, “Was there ever anyone you reached out to?”

“I would talk to a cousin, but we still lived hours apart and I only went so far in messages. The basic comments on how I was feeling.”

“So there was no one close you could reach out to in person? To go be with?”

I took another deep breath, “No. There was no one I could think of that I would have felt safe enough with.”

There was a long silence after that. It was true though. Even though I could be open enough with my emotional state when asked, I never went to deep. Never wanted to burden others with my emotional side. Then go back and forth with myself about how its okay to show emotion and to be open about it, verse keeping certain relationships more professional, more shallow. Not everyone needs to go deeper than what they shared.

He pulls my tight to him again, “I’m here. You aren’t alone anymore.”

He presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, “I see you love.”

And with that, the damn broke loose. Everything that needed to be released in that moment was let go. I was finally in a safe place with a man that could handle and provide for my feminine energy. To be there.

Im not alone.

Ive always known in theory that im not alone. It’s a phrase that drips over any healing or personal growth, causing the eventual shift to knowledge where it isn’t truly felt anymore. Until now. I feel that im not alone in this moment, in this break down of emotion. He is here, with me, supporting me.

I take a deep cleansing breath as the tears begin to subside once again.
“Tea?” I ask softly, though the water will probably need to be heated again. Im not sure how long its been since I started crying.

He kisses my head soflty, “Of course. Why don’t we move you to the couch? I’ll get the tea.”

I nod and we help each other stand. I walk the few steps to the couch and settle in under a blanket while watching him make the tea.

He turns to me while the water is heating once again, “What else can I do?”

I close my eyes and lean back. Letting my intuition help me answer.

“Tea, you,” I lift my eyes to his with a small smile, “maybe a movie?”

He smiles, “Done”